Monday, January 7
From the mind of Matthew…
I felt it appropriate to give you a few thoughts on the return of American Gladiators to television, but before I could get around to it I noticed my son Matthew, who just turned 16, had shared his thoughts on Facebook.
They’re much better than anything I would have written…
This is his post from 12:18 am (yes, we are going to have to talk about him keeping such late hours, but don’t worry, it wasn’t a school night)
On the night of January sixth I sat down in my living room to watch the return of my favorite childhood show American Gladiators. As the night progressed I was horrified by the sights before me. The worst event of the night was the story behind the first female contestant. She was a single mother trying to make a living as a simple toilet paper salesman whose only hope was to become a new American gladiator; she spent all of her free time training for the show, while taking care of her kids and going to her job every day. I don’t know how she did it, but apparently it didn’t pay off, because she was injured in the first five, yes five, minutes of the first event, pathetic. But the only people I actually cared about where the two gladiators Titan and Helga. The story no one knows is of Titan’s life living on a Russian ice farm where he had to haul glaciers all day and night while being attacked by vicious Russian rhinos; it was a hard life, but eventually Titan (AKA Hans) came to America. And Helga is just a man, nothing really exciting. The contestants were as weird and annoying as they get. Some were on strict diets of fruits and nuts, and others thought they were spider monkeys, but no matter what they did they always would tick off Wolf, probably the Gladiator with the least brain cells left. But in the end I was comforted by the voices of a pro wrestler and a female boxer, which of course everyone knows are my two favorite kinds of athletes. And in the words of Paul McCartney “Happiness Is A Warm Gun”.
They’re much better than anything I would have written…
This is his post from 12:18 am (yes, we are going to have to talk about him keeping such late hours, but don’t worry, it wasn’t a school night)
On the night of January sixth I sat down in my living room to watch the return of my favorite childhood show American Gladiators. As the night progressed I was horrified by the sights before me. The worst event of the night was the story behind the first female contestant. She was a single mother trying to make a living as a simple toilet paper salesman whose only hope was to become a new American gladiator; she spent all of her free time training for the show, while taking care of her kids and going to her job every day. I don’t know how she did it, but apparently it didn’t pay off, because she was injured in the first five, yes five, minutes of the first event, pathetic. But the only people I actually cared about where the two gladiators Titan and Helga. The story no one knows is of Titan’s life living on a Russian ice farm where he had to haul glaciers all day and night while being attacked by vicious Russian rhinos; it was a hard life, but eventually Titan (AKA Hans) came to America. And Helga is just a man, nothing really exciting. The contestants were as weird and annoying as they get. Some were on strict diets of fruits and nuts, and others thought they were spider monkeys, but no matter what they did they always would tick off Wolf, probably the Gladiator with the least brain cells left. But in the end I was comforted by the voices of a pro wrestler and a female boxer, which of course everyone knows are my two favorite kinds of athletes. And in the words of Paul McCartney “Happiness Is A Warm Gun”.
Mark Nelson at 1:23 PM 1comments
1 Comments
-
at 10:34 PM
ragamuffinminister said... Bang, bang, shoot, shoot.